If the role of “chief caregiver” for an aging parent was not one you chose, you are not alone. According to a study by the AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving, 49% of family caregivers feel they really did not have a choice in the matter. There are several factors:
Being the first-born. Across many cultures, it is assumed that the first-born will be in charge of the parents’ care, especially if that person is a daughter. People commonly defer to the eldest for decisions.
A twist of geography. Sometimes, by default, family members rely most heavily on the adult child who lives nearby.
“Mom likes you best.” Although we might wish it weren’t so, parents sometimes favor one child over another. The child with the “closest” relationship is often expected to step in, even when another sibling is more available or has better caregiving skills.
No matter which is the case, being the caregiver is often an isolating and overwhelming role. Particularly so when there is criticism and pushback by siblings.
Take these steps to reduce family conflict and your own feelings of resentment:
- Bring assumptions into the open. Have a family meeting, with your parents there too. Talk about care needs and wishes. Discuss the options as a group.
- Align decision making with the day-to-day caregivers. Nothing builds resentment more than having one child provide the hands-on care while another calls the shots.
- Divide roles based on ability. It may be that the physically closest child is the best suited to drive a parent on errands. But spread around the other tasks, such as managing the finances or researching medical issues.
- Keep everyone informed. Conflict is less likely to occur if all siblings are kept in the loop. Avoid last-minute surprises with a weekly email talking about current issues and concerns. Or use a shared online tool such as Lotsa Helping Hands or CaringBridge to keep everyone on the same page.
Are you feeling resentful about your caregiving duties?
That’s usually a sign that it’s time to ask for more help. As the Delaware, and Delaware and Chester Counties in PA experts in family caregiving, we at Delaware Palliative can facilitate family meetings and help ensure quality care for your aging loved one. That means less stress on your sibling relationships, too! Give us a call at 302-478-5707 to learn more.
