The request every adult child dreads: “Promise you won’t put me in a nursing home.” Your natural response is to provide a soothing answer: “Of course. Never.” That is instinctual, and comforting. But that quick response now may prove problematic later. Take time to think things through so you are prepared to give a loving, fail-safe reply.
You can’t predict the future—your parent’s needs or your own health and abilities. It may be that 24/7 care is exactly what your relative eventually needs. For example, they may lose mobility and need to be lifted in and out of bed. Or become unable to care for themselves at the toilet, bath, and kitchen table.
In the case of advanced dementia, your parent may need full-time supervision, including throughout the night. Is that something you can promise to do?
Keep in mind that the root of such a request is typically fear—fear of being alone in an institution, of lingering in pain, of potential indignities, and of overall loss of independence.
A promise of “never” is a setup for you to feel guilty—even when you’re responding realistically to the demands of the situation. Instead, consider how you can address their fears without making a commitment you may not be able to keep. To reassure your relative, say something like
- “I will do everything I can to help you stay at home. If it turns out you need other care, I will make sure you are comfortable and respected.”
- “Let’s talk about your priorities and wishes later, when we know more about what you actually need for your health and well-being. I want to ensure that things go to your liking in every way that I can.”
If you’ve already made a promise, take a deep, settling breath and reach out to your loved one. It’s not too late to talk things through. And it’s better than feeling guilty later. Choose a quiet time, perhaps shortly after a doctor’s visit. Acknowledge the potential for the unforeseen. Then restate your commitment to ensuring their care and comfort regardless of the circumstances.
Do you need help making care decisions for an aging loved one?
The options can be overwhelming, but having a professional third party involved can help reassure your relative that their comfort and well-being are the top priority. As the Delaware, and Delaware and Chester Counties in PA experts in family caregiving, we at Delaware Palliative can assess your loved one’s needs and make recommendations based on our robust knowledge and experience. Give us a call at 302-478-5707 to learn how we can help.
