When you’re grieving, even simple questions can feel difficult to answer.
Friends and family may say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” They mean well, but when your mind feels foggy, your body is exhausted, and you’re trying to process the loss of someone you love, coming up with an answer can feel like one more thing you have to figure out.
You may not know what you need. Or you may know what would help but feel uncomfortable asking. That’s okay.
When someone offers their support, you don’t have to come up with the perfect response. Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is give them one small, specific way they can support you.
If You Don’t Know What You Need
It’s completely okay to say:
- “I’m not really sure what I need right now.”
- “Thank you for asking. I’m taking things one day at a time.”
- “I don’t know yet, but I’ll let you know when I do.”
- “I appreciate you being there for me.”
- “Could you check in with me again in a few days?”
You don’t have to have an answer immediately.
Grief can make it difficult to concentrate, make decisions, or even identify basic needs. Giving yourself time to figure things out is part of caring for yourself.
Think Small and Specific
When someone asks how they can help, you don’t have to give them a big job. Think about what would make today a little easier.
Food and Household Tasks
You might ask someone to:
- Bring dinner or pick up groceries
- Help organize meals for the family
- Wash dishes
- Do a load of laundry
- Take out the trash
- Pick up a prescription
- Help with light cleaning
- Restock the refrigerator
You could simply say, “Would you mind bringing dinner tomorrow?”
Everyday Errands
Grief can make ordinary responsibilities feel overwhelming.
Consider asking someone to:
- Pick up groceries or medications
- Take children to school or activities
- Walk the dog or care for a pet
- Mow the lawn or shovel snow
- Water plants
- Drive you to an appointment
- Run errands for you
You don’t need to explain why you need the help. “Could you take the dog for a walk this week?” is enough.
Let Someone Help With the Practical Details
After a death, there can be paperwork, phone calls, appointments, and countless small decisions.
If you’re comfortable doing so, ask a trusted person to help with things such as:
- Organizing paperwork
- Keeping track of appointments
- Making phone calls
- Helping with insurance paperwork
- Creating a folder for important documents
- Coordinating updates with family and friends
- Organizing thank-you notes
You might also designate one person to be your point of contact for family and friends. This can save you from having to repeat the same information or answer the same questions over and over.
For legal or financial matters, consider speaking with the appropriate qualified professional before making significant decisions.
Ask for Company, Not Just Help
Sometimes, what you need isn’t someone to accomplish a task. You simply need someone to be there.
You might ask a friend or family member to:
- Sit with you
- Take a walk
- Have coffee
- Watch a movie
- Listen to music
- Look through photographs
- Talk about your loved one
- Sit quietly without expecting you to talk
You can also be honest about what you don’t need.
It’s okay to say, “I’d really like some company, but I don’t feel like talking.”
It’s also okay to say, “I need some time alone right now.”
Grief looks different for everyone. Your needs may change from day to day.
When You’re Ready to Go Through Their Belongings
Sorting through your loved one’s belongings can be emotional and exhausting. If you’re ready to begin, you don’t have to do it alone.
You could ask someone to:
- Sit with you while you sort
- Organize photographs
- Create a memory box
- Help pack items for donation
- Help move or store belongings
- Write down stories or memories
- Create a special place to display photographs or meaningful items
And remember: there is no required timeline for going through someone’s belongings.
If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.
Ask People to Keep Checking In
One of the hardest parts of grief can be what happens after the initial days and weeks have passed.
The calls may become less frequent. Visitors return to their normal routines. You may still be grieving just as deeply.
If you want continued support, it’s okay to ask for it.
You might say:
- “Would you check in with me every once in a while?”
- “Could you text me on Friday just to say hello?”
- “I’d like to get together for coffee next week.”
- “My loved one’s birthday is coming up. Could we spend some time together that day?”
- “It helps me to talk about them. I’d love to hear one of your favorite memories.”
A simple message months after a loss can mean a great deal.
You Can Always Change Your Mind
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that you don’t have to know what you need today—or what you’ll need tomorrow.
You may want company one day and solitude the next. You may be ready to talk about your loved one one afternoon and not want to discuss the loss at all the following morning.
That’s okay.
You can tell people:
“I’ll let you know if I need anything.”
“I don’t need anything today, but I’d appreciate you checking in again.”
“I’m having a hard day. Could you come sit with me?”
There is no perfect way to respond to an offer of help.
And If You’re the One Offering Help…
If you’re supporting someone who is grieving, consider making your offer specific.
Instead of:
“Let me know if you need anything.”
Try:
- “I’m going to the grocery store. What can I pick up for you?”
- “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?”
- “Would you like me to walk the dog this week?”
- “Would you like company while you sort through some things?”
- “I’ll check in with you Friday. You don’t have to respond.”
Specific offers can make accepting help easier for someone who may not have the energy to figure out what to ask for.
And don’t assume that because someone says no today, they won’t need support tomorrow. Keep showing up.
Grief Deserves Support
Grief isn’t something that needs to be fixed or rushed. It is a deeply personal experience, and the kind of support someone needs can change over time.
Sometimes support looks like a meal left at the door. Sometimes it’s a ride to an appointment. Sometimes it’s sitting quietly with someone who doesn’t have the words to explain how they’re feeling.
And sometimes, it’s simply knowing that someone is still there.
If you’re grieving, remember that it’s okay to accept help. It’s okay to ask for help. And it’s okay if you don’t know what you need yet.
If you or someone you love could use additional support following a loss, Delaware Hospice offers grief and bereavement resources for individuals and families. You don’t have to navigate grief alone.
This article was adapted for Delaware Hospice from “How to Respond When Someone Asks ‘How Can I Help?’ After a Loss,” originally published by betterleave. The article was inspired by the work of grief educators and organizations including Megan Devine, Francis Weller, David Kessler, Alan Wolfelt, and The Dougy Center.
